The F Word – This Post Is Only For Me!

This is the hardest topic for me so far! I have had an intense struggle within my spirit about what to say. I feel scared and ready at the same time!

Ready to speak, ready to explore these feelings and find out what it’s like on the other side of this tunnel. They say curiosity killed the cat…well this cat has eternal life which is set to begin after the end of the nine lives.

They scream out “No” but I choose to push on. They get hold of my hands and try to pull me back but I loosen myself from their grip and forge forward. I choose the light of my Saviour above my emotions!

They say I am not safe and cannot trust anyone but I keep walking. They say I will be judged and no one will truly understand me. I hear them scream louder but I choose to focus on the light I see ahead of me. The louder they scream the greater the indication that they are actually losing the battle…beware of the kicks of a dying horse!!

The light is stronger and the path is becoming clearer. The more I move forward, the less I hear them. The force ahead of me seems to deem down the voices behind me. And after all the struggle, I finally get to the end of the tunnel. And this is what I see.

“It is much more agreeable to offend and later ask for forgiveness than to be offended and later grant forgiveness” a statement by the Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche

I look at the statement and start evaluating within myself all the times I have been offended and have had to forgive and the times I offended someone and had to offer them forgiveness. I will be honest with myself when I say that I agree with the Philosopher.

Why is the former so difficult? Why do I feel so justified to stay angry and bitter and sometimes revengeful? How come it has taken me so long to forgive those I once considered loved ones?…are questions that I ponder through.

Jesus himself evidenced this in the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant that my choice is very much a reality. It caught my attention that Peter was the one who prompted this with a question.

His choice of brother or sister to me indicates that conflicts are not to be considered so foreign in believers’ fellowships, especially their own families. He actually went to Jesus with the number of times he thought was reasonable to forgive them. Curiously enough, his question focuses on how many times the brother or sister sins against him and not the vice versa.

The beauty of this parable to me was the way Jesus responds to Peter. He does not start with a rebuke or judgemental comment on how Peter should know better. Even despite the conclusion of the parable bearing great consequences on him and the rest of us.

This parable told me that am indeed human. A human with selfish intentions. A human who only wants to take the path of personal gain. If not, then there would not be so much talk of loving each other and finding our purpose to benefit the rest of humanity.

One thing that helped me through this tunnel is not to bother looking for justifications for my hardened heart but rather first accept that I can actually be unforgiving to those who wronged me…am only human!

Just because it is written in the Bible and am a believer does not mean I automatically become so perfect. Even more, I personally would want to do the opposite…at least Paul shares the same sentiments!!!

Take a few seconds and picture yourself peeling off a ripe tangerine or banana. Do you see the color? Can you smell the sweetness? That is how I felt when I got to the end of this tunnel. A person who was already so ripe inside but the hard coverings (unforgiving heart, anger, bitterness, negativity) served as a great hindrance to my full potential….my full purpose!

It took me time and sometimes I still do cringe at the mention of a name. But one thing is for sure, that I am committed to running this race. And if that means doing what the Good Book says, then let it be so.

If it means that I have to confess the places I feel that my human nature cannot make it, then I should allow God’s grace and mercy to take their place…this I must confess, is in most cases more than I can actually count.

Today, I have no pictures in this post. As I had mentioned, this post is only for me😉. I do not need pictures to remind me of where I have come from. All I need to do is press on the rewind button and a movie series will be set before me!

My commitment to my Heavenly Father is to tap into the power of the Helper that was sent to me as I await my Saviour’s return. To ask Him daily what I need to do to please my Creator..make Him smile!

And not only acknowledge that Grace and Mercy is available but allow them to work in me. To allow them to remind me that I am not perfect and I will never be…the word to focus here is “allow”. I have heard of these words over and over again but I needed to let them into the deepest insides of me.

I needed the reminder not to be too hard on myself on this perfection business. Reminder that I have failed before and will fail again and again. And then accept that there is hope for me. Hope that has been there for over two thousand years!! 😘😘Love this!! May I always hear this song!

I will conclude this piece by saying the Grace. And now, “May the Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Love of God and the Fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us now and forever more! Amen!”😇



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