Tag Archives: Faith

The Loss of Our Baby👣

Hello Everyone,

I must admit that it has been a long time since posting anything I wrote myself. Plenty has happened and I need to begin by giving God all the glory and thanks for His preserving and sustaining me all this time 🙌🙌💖!!!

So during my time away from writing, I got married to this amazing man who continues to be my best friend as we walk this journey of faith. His encouraging words to me to write this post keep on ringing as I type. He encouraged me by reminding me of what one of our friends (Doug Feavel) felt I could do when I shared my story.

What is my story? Well, in 2019, we welcomed the news of our expecting our first child!!!😇😇😇 The next few days and weeks were filled with excitement and eagerness for the delivery of this gift. This, however, did not last long.

Over a month into the pregnancy, complications began that led to an emotional battle that I have never experienced before in my life. I recall making promises to God of what I would do for Him if He saved my baby. This is what I wrote down asking God during the last week of the second month…

….”Well, if the baby lives, then that would be a better miracle to talk about. Where is the hope in the loss of a baby? Where is the victory here?

Lord, I have had the comfort in blaming others for my past pain. Now I know deep within that this is your doing. How do I blame you? I am running out of hateful words or thoughts towards you

You have proved to be big to me. Very powerful. Able to do whatever you please. How do I fight that?”….

I will be honest to say that my mind was going crazy during this season. Anger and bitterness towards God were my earliest emotions. One day after a visit from the doctor’s, I had got into a cab from work having noticed some bleeding. My heart was feeling so broken and as the helplessness increased I wept out loudly in that taxi as we went home. The driver turned on the radio to a gospel station, with words failing him. Luckily, we used a highway with few cars where my loud crying could not attract much attention. Upon arrival, I wiped my tears, paid him and thanked him for the trip.

Yes, my baby. I may have not known the gender or even had a clear scan, but I consider my loss as one who has lost a child.

Around two weeks later from that day, I lost my baby. On that day of the loss, I woke up with so much bleeding. A friend had referred us to a different Gynecologist (who would be the 3rd specialist that I saw). I called my boss to let them know that I would not be reporting to work. My husband and I then left for the check up. The Gynae had a busy schedule and the queue at his clinic was quite full. We left for lunch while the cramping feeling was increasing. When we got back, my husband decided to let the attendants at the clinic know that we had an emergency but they ignored us. So we sat at the corner seats waiting for our turn.

A little while later, the pain increased so much that I began screaming. Since the Gynae was still seeing a patient, we had to still wait. I wriggled and wriggled on my seat with loud screams in the sight of a full waiting lounge… When the Gynae got available, I stood up but quickly returned to my seat when I realized my jeans was wet. A woman woke up and came to my aid seeing my shyness of walking to the office. She was a blessing!!May God bless her wherever she is!!

In the doctor’s office the pain could not allow me to sit. I was on the floor in so much pain. The doctor quickly did a scan and confirmed that the loss was ongoing. A wheelchair was bought in and I was rushed to a nearby hospital to have an operation to finish the process.

Upon arriving, a pain killer in a drip was injected into my body for faster relief and clothes changed ready for theater. When the theater staff later came to get me, they came with their own bed. Upon lifting me to it, I realized that I had left a considerable amount of flesh on the casualty bed. Oh my heart!! Oh my heart felt so ripped apart. “Was that my baby?”, I asked within myself. No one even mentioned a thing as we moved to the theater room. Hours later, the operation was done.

My baby. Our baby. God’s baby. I do not have answers of why things happened the way they did. What I know is that am still healing from that experience. I carried bitterness within against God for quite some time and at times I feel I still do even now. Even now, there are moments I weep as I recall the events.

I will be honest to say that even with God blessing us with a child last year (2020), I still desire the one I lost. I miss the one I lost. To me, I lost a child. I may not have known the gender but to me it was a baby who only lived a few weeks.

Not really sure of the next years but my hope is that God will continue to carry me when my heart fails me. I look back and see God’s mercy and grace. My husband has been a blessing. May the Lord heal him too!

I finish this post speaking to the one going through a similar experience. God is good. He is faithful and works out everything for our good and for His glory. Yes, the memory will always be with you but be assured of God’s love for you though it may not feel like so at the moment!

May the Good Lord keep us and sustain us!!

Amazing Love!!

Hello! Hello!🙋

Anyone in the Christmas mood!!!!!!!!!🤣🤗😄 Yes, the year 2018 is soon coming to an end. Mmmmmhh! I just can’t believe all the good things the Lord has done for me this year. Definitely I had not imagined it ending like this. Yes, my heart was expectant of the Mighty hand of God doing miracles but to be honest things have turned out above what I could ask, think or imagine! I bless you Lord. You are truly good all the time. My beloved reader, do not get me wrong, there are things that have not matured but you know what, am grateful to the Lord this far! He has been Ebenezer. I am alive and breathing and still expectant of more from my Heavenly Father! And very likely, God does expect much from me!

Travis Greene’s show that I attended on 30th November in Nairobi was superb. As I had written, my heart was expectant of hearing God’s voice and Jehovah did not disappoint. One major thing that I left the concert with, which I received pretty much in the first worship songs is that He is concerned about the inner me. This did not even happen when Travis was singing but during the first local musicians as they did the ‘opening acts’ if you may. By the time, Travis came on stage, my heart had already been ministered to, my spirit lifted and all that remained was just to thank and praise the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!! Hallelujah!!🙏🙌 Just a small clip below of the praise fest!🤗

Yes, I went to this concert with quite a low spirit and really needed that ‘surgical operation’ of the heart from the one who formed me. I had doubts and questions about my future. I really wanted to know if my current decisions pleased Him and is there something I needed to deal with to better position me for impact as I fulfill my purpose on earth and for His Kingdom. Was there something I needed to correct? Was there something I needed to work on? Yes, I had questions. And I got the answer. That Jesus loves me. He knows my life and experiences and knows very well what makes me tick and what puts me off. My Good Shepherd has seen my highs and lows in life and knows way I am who I am right now, in my thinking, my habits, my likes and dislikes.

It felt truly assuring to know that. Here I was looking for all these answers and all I needed was just one. That I was loved beyond measure. I do not think I can describe it with words how much that affirmation put me back where I needed to be. That he is not so mad at me at my failures but that his grace is sufficient for me in my weakness. That he has placed me in a position in life that he knows very well I can handle. My recent favorite verse that I have been quoting so often lately is Psalms 29:11 which says:-
The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

The other is John 14:27 which says ;-
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

What I felt was love! Love from a being I have not seen but have faith that he exists. That one day I will get to see him and spend eternity with him. Love is what I felt! Love is what I was assured. That God’s love endures forever!

Let us pray. Heavenly Father, we come before you this moment. Grateful. Grateful that you loved us, still love us and will always love us. Receive all the praise and honor for who you are Lord. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Creator of all the universe. There is no one like you. All other gods are just works of men. We acknowledge you as our Savior and so Lord, we come to you in humility, asking for the cleansing of our sins and a refilling of your spirit in us. Remove the blindness from our eyes to see things the way you see them and may our ears always hear your voice guiding us. Help us discern and embrace your love in all areas of our lives and help us show the same to those around us. Thank you Lord Jesus for this far. You have truly been Ebenezer. And the people of God say Amen and Amen and Amen!

Another clip below of the Praise fest with Travis!! It was just beautiful!!!💃💃

God richly bless you and keep you for eternity to spend with him. Amen! See you next week Friday!😇😆

#Love #Hopeforyouandme #Christmas #Endofyear2018 #PraiseFestwithTravis